Clam's Wonderblog

My dreams. Open for your interpretation.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 14:34:00 -0500

I have pretty vivid dreams all the time. I tend to believe they mean something.

Last night I had a dream I was at my parents house and it was haunted by a demon that I couldn’t see. But then finally I saw it. It was the face of a woman on the ceiling. Then I saw her standing on top of the stairs. But by the time I realized it was real, it was too late. She had taken over the house and I couldn’t get out. So I just kind of gave up.

I woke up and it took me a few minutes to realize it was just the dream. I had the option of over-thinking it and staying up the extra hour and a half before my alarm went off or convincing myself it was just a dream. Sleep prevailed. It usually does.

In other news. Hilary sent me a google wave invite. I’m interested in trying it out. I have a feeling it will confuse me very much (like twitter) before I actually realize it’s purpose. But I’m pumped.

An invitation

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 09:47:13 -0400

these are the kinds of invites I get.. taken directly from an IM convo

“question. if i buy concert tickets and can’t find a broad to bone afterward, will you go with me? “

List

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 15:39:00 -0400

Warning:

This is Girly (with a capital G), so if you continue reading and get pissed you wasted your time, joke’s on you.

Whining:

I used to write for this one Philly Girl dating blog. I liked doing it. It was fun. But after a while it forced me to admit to myself that I really am an inherently awful dater. Not only am I as awkward Lindsey Lohan wearing panties, I was writing the blog for a year and was still in the exact same position as when I was writing it. And it wasn’t the position I was lookin’ for, if ya know what I mean (badabing.) I felt like I needed to start prefacing each post by saying “I’m not fat….but, here’s why I’m single this week…”

So, by forcing myself to look at my dating style I can acknowledge that rarely does a dude live up to long list of standards which I judge them upon. Thus I’ve been officially single for about three years. It’s my longest dry spell in a while. And when I actually sit down to look at my non-existent-yet-impossible-to-measure-up-to-list, it becomes very clear why I’m said single state. This list consists of, but it probably not limited to…

1.) Being impossibly good looking, minimal scruff to light beard. Anything less or more is unacceptable.

2.) 5’10 or taller. Sure, I’m only 5’2 but there’s something about being picked up that I love.

3.) A little hipster but not too hipster. People don’t understand this distinction and always set me up with beardos who look like they’ve been hiding out in the woods for the last 20 years mailing bombs to all of the people who failed to appreciate their eclectic taste of crap music in high school.

4.) My family is very very religious. I am not. So it would help if they were raised catholic/ Christian and have strayed or can at least flirt with my mom enough that she’ll forgive the fact that he, and our future family, will inevitably burn in hell. I’m OK with that fact. I like the heat. In fact, I never even put an air conditioner up this summer.

5.) Has a job. I can barely support my cats and myself.

6.) Can make me laugh. Now I realize this is a tall order. So I’m cool as long as you laugh at my jokes cause I’m funny as shit.

That’s just the preliminary round. I’ll tell you the others if I ever find a dude that can pass round one. Note: This isn’t to say if he has a little more 6 than 5, he isn’t acceptable. E.g. If he has no beard and flirts with my mom like a champ, well, then let the hell fires burn.

I think I’m going to do one of the Shmitten Kitten speed dating jawns.

UPDATE#1

Ammendment to list. There is a #7

#7 You are Ryan Gosling

Gotta take more pictures. Shouldn’t have skipped my last...

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 11:07:18 -0400

Gotta take more pictures. Shouldn’t have skipped my last two classes. Whoops

my days

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 16:22:23 -0400

me: explain to me again how twilight vampires can go in the sun?
Sent at 2:55 PM on Thursday
Colleen: the can go in
but
wait for it
they sparkle
and it would give away their secret
me: but they're vampires
Colleen: so?
me: VAMPIRES CAN'T GO IN THE FUCKIN SUN
Colleen: silly greg
me: it's like rule 1, maybe 2 after drinking blood
Colleen: that's just a myth
me: i'm tumbling this, as proof to my unborn, never to be born children that i did not get down with this shit when it was popular, and that i was a vampire purist...should the topic ever arise

thedailywhat: [via.]

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 16:15:03 -0400

thedailywhat:

[via.]

Right in front of me

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 11:16:46 -0400

Sometimes I wonder why I’m single, then I realize the answers are right there in front of me.

Me:
there is one dude that i had a jonsin for
i think he’s scared of me though

Greg:
oof
he probably is

Me:
most likely
although i didn’t fart or anything

thedailywhat: America… I am disappoint.

Wed, 20 May 2009 23:42:30 -0400

thedailywhat:

America… I am disappoint.

Things like this make me feel better about my lack of any sort...

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 16:02:00 -0400

Things like this make me feel better about my lack of any sort of tangible skill. Listen especially hard to the :58 second mark. And make sure your sound’s up. Way up.

Little plastic people in a big real world

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 11:31:00 -0400

Little plastic people in a big real world:

My friend, let’s call him Alexander Buttersnatch (Mike Bray), introduced me to this guy a while ago and I was reminded of him during my recent foray into StumbleUpon.

Photographer Vincent Bousserez created this world of miniature people living in the big world. I love love love it. But it’s pretty addictive. I feel bad for these little people. I wonder how many of them are eaten my cats on a daily basis (it’s my goal to incorporate cats into every post somehow.) Anyway. Enjoy.

Life checklist

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 15:41:27 -0400

I decided in January, much like I’ve decided every January before, that this will be the year I get my life in some sort of order. This is strictly confined to things that I have control over (excludes zits, dating, and the weather.)

So, December 29th, started wii fit, lost 7 lbs. February 1st, quit wii fit, gained 5 back.
Consolidated my loans and credit card debt. Found out that if I pay 250 a month, I’ll have it paid off in a year. (Credit card, that is. I still have about 30 years to go on the student loans. By that point I will have a foolproof financial plan in place, where I will create a form of renewable energy dirived from the hundreds of cats in my house running in giant wheels.)
Get my website together. Actually act like a legitimate writer and have something that displays self indulgence. See tonight’s “business dinner” with Lisa Meck.
Become somewhat healthy. I’ve eaten more salads. Yes, they are slathered in dressing, croutons, and cheese. But yes, they have helped me poo more. Also, I started yoga, then stopped when I got sick. But I guess a month is enough time to recoup from a 2 day long illness. Time to go back. Tomorrow night, Troy, my favorite instructor will lure me there.
Tumble more. There

Reality check

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 11:48:36 -0400

I always wanted to write a book. About me of course, because I’m intensely self absorbed. But then I realize how unrealistic of a goal that is considering the following:

1.) I don’t even have enough material to maintain this tumblr

2.) My Catholic Guilt (read: parents) would prevent me from writing anything truly funny/ telling in fear of further Catholic Guilt being thrust upon me). Don’t think the idea of a pseudonym hasn’t crossed my mind. If I used one, it would be Barry Velterwoodzen.

3.) I’ve been trying to start an actually blog for a while now, but can’t, because I can’t settle on a name, and if I don’t have a good name there’s no way I’m doing it. Previous contenders were “Bacon Bits” and “My Cat is a Frigid Bitch”. (I’m still open to suggestions)

4.) I’m lazy and will ignore this when I think of another hobby that I won’t intend on actually legitimately pursuing, for fear or being mediocre at it and forcing people to have to lie to me. (See new $600 camera)

5.) My grammar, spelling, and punctuation are truly truly terrible. Something I’ve never mastered and if not for proofreaders, I would have been fired long ago.

6.) Lastly and most importantly I’m far too lazy.

thedailywhat: Ukranian Folk Band Cover Of A Katy Perry Song of...

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 21:18:23 -0400

thedailywhat:

Ukranian Folk Band Cover Of A Katy Perry Song of the Day: Los Colorados play “Hot N Cold”.

Eat your heart out, Gogol Bordello.

[via.]

This is what I have to look at today. The sunglasses hide a...

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 11:53:00 -0400

This is what I have to look at today. The sunglasses hide a longing for little boys.

A List Of Things I Enjoyed About Last Night

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 10:50:59 -0500

Love

emilyi:

• Our cab driver to Cantina was playing his mixtape from 1987. It was all doo wop songs he’d taped off the radio and it was the bomb.

• The DJ at North Bowl put on “The Power of Love” which caused Hilary to look at Chris and say, “Can I tell you that I secretly love this song?” He agreed that he did too. At the exact same time, Ashlie was telling me she was upset with the way she was bowling and I replied, “Don’t worry about it! Huey Lewis is on!” And after these simultaneous conversations about the superb songmaking of Huey Lewis, the record sccccccccratched and the DJ ended the song after only twenty seconds. Buzzkill!

• Corn dogs, sliders and tots!

• I’ve been working on this thing called “will power” and I don’t feel the need to go out during games for cigarettes now. It only holds up the team!

• Colleen did the “nerd who wants to make out and lives in parents’ basement” voice again. If you haven’t heard it, it’s amazing.

• It was one of those legendary bowling nights where the planets align and Mars is in Uranus saying, “Hey, why don’t we make everyone totally awesome at being awesome tonight but like in a more awesome way?” And then even though everyone is awesome all the time, it’s like there’s some kind of beacon of seriously epic celestial light shining down on everyone’s hair and if you look closely you can see tiny little chubby cherubs playing Beatles songs on string instruments. It’s not dandruff! They’re playing “Norwegian Wood” and you’d know that if you believed in magic. At that point, we all hug and compliment each other’s yabbos in between dancing in the lanes. It’s pretty great.

I’m going to be sad when bowling league ends, but then softball begins!

I always hated snow white. This helps thedailywhat: Mashup of...

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 23:39:12 -0500

I always hated snow white. This helps

thedailywhat:

Mashup of the Day / Lights Out: Dwarfed Punk — “Harder, Better, Faster, Smaller”.

Grownup

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 10:42:00 -0500

Some people my age realize they’re adults when they get a real job, when they get married or maybe when they have their first child. Not me.

I was just looking at the instructions on my cotton candy machine that sits on my desk. The instructions read “Ask an adult to plug in the machine”. That’s when it hit me.

Holy shit. I’m an adult.

This is a candid shot my friend captured of his two...

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:26:32 -0500

This is a candid shot my friend captured of his two step-brothers in a slumbering embrace. They were caught spooning under this leopard blanket, too exhausted to remove their Starbury’s, after a binge of pixie sticks, coke, and PlayStation 2. The brother on top is 15 and the one on the bottom is 13.

It never will get old (via thedailywhat)

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 22:04:15 -0500

It never will get old

(via thedailywhat)

Overheard in my office

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 16:25:24 -0500

My extremely disturbing conversation with the cleaning guy

Guy: Why are you always so happy?

Me: I dunno… yadda yadda yadda. How are you?

Guy: I’m OK. Sometimes I get depressed. Think about things that happened. Makes me wanna do crazy things.

Silence

Me: Well I’m glad you don’t do them?

Guy: Well, if i do though….. ahhhhh nevermind (with a hand wave off and walks out)

To which my friend replied, “maybe he was going to say, ‘you’ll be okay
or more likely, ‘you’ll be the first to go.”